To spank or not to spank

 This is a very touchy subject, and I risk a lot by posting about it. Spanking. Many parents do it, many speak against it. Some parents keep their opinions about it to themselves out of fear of being judged by their peers and society. So here I go, on a limb to speak my personal opinion and to share my own experiences.
  My parents love me, this is a fact I know now. I say now, because at times I did not believe this. I grew up in a home where spanking was the usual punishment. Sadly my parents often let their anger control them and I received the blunt of their anger. Choking even occurred on a few occasions. I will not go too far into detail, because there are some things I do not feel should be shared with those reading my blog. My brother also received blows out of anger, mostly from our father. I began to ask over and over, "Why?' I wondered why they hurt me. What had I done to make mommy and daddy so mad at me? I internalized the abuse and eventually hurt myself. I struggled with depression and to this day I still do. My brother externalized it...at me and later our baby sister. He became very violent and still has outbursts to this day.
   When I had my daughter I vowed I would not spank her. I failed in that promise. I did spank her and did not realize I was hurting her. I began to catch myself and walk away in order to not take anger or frustration out on her. My husband at the time did not stop himself. When we divorced I was hesitant in him having visitation with her due to his history of violence towards myself. I had to let him have her every other weekend due to our state's laws. I began to notice changes in my daughter's behaviors and she even regressed in her potty training. She was only two at the time. Then she came home with bruises on her legs, and not the normal bruises kids get. That was the last straw. I ended up taking him to court and the judge mandated supervised visitation, which he refused. Fast forward two years and my daughter still struggles with understanding it. I had hoped that with therapy she would heal. It is a very slow process.
    I do not spank her, not even a slight swat on the bottom. My mother finds this absurd and has even told me I was spanked and turned out fine. I remind her of my depression when I was younger and she claims someone must have convinced me that her spanking me was abuse, because she did nothing wrong. When I lived with my parents this past year my father spanked my daughter, hard enough for me to hear it in the other room. He did it out of frustration like he had done with myself and my brother. I had to put my foot down and had a stern talk with my father. Luckily he listened to me about it.
    While I do not spank, my daughter does face consequences for her actions. She loses privileges, toys, etc.  She has to do extra chores(age appropriate) when she does certain things. I make sure she understands why she is in trouble each time as well. It works for us, and she does make improvements. I also encourage her when she exhibits good behavior. So, this is why I do not spank my daughter. I am still the boss in my home, but I do not worry about whether I am controlling by fear. I do not want my child to behave out of fear of being hurt. I want her to behave because she knows right from wrong.