Depression Beckons

  I realize it has been over a month since I last posted. I wish I could say that it is due to being busy doing fascinating things, but sadly it was not a happy absence. Since I was a teenager, I have battled depression. There are long stretches of time where I do not feel any symptoms of it. Then out of nowhere it sneaks up on me and attacks fiercely. It seems that after Milk Monster was born, it began to slowly creep up on me again. This last month it broke free and began to drown my mind in it.
   I found myself snapping at The Princess even when she was not doing anything to cause even a slight annoyance. I would cry for no reason other than perhaps my mind turning on itself. I began to think perhaps my children would be better off without me. I focused on every little thing I did wrong rather than everything I did right for them. One day it got so bad that  I imagined running away from here and never turning back. Of course this would mean leaving my children, which I would never really do. So I called their dad to come watch them for a couple hours so that I could get away.
   When he arrived, I had no idea where to go to be alone. I simply knew that I needed to be alone. It was slightly warmer than it had been recently, so I pulled over to a park. I took a long stroll on the walk path and simply listened to everything around me. I listened to the birds above me, and the water in the creek next to me. I slowed my breathing and released all of my stress as I listened to nature. By the time I made it home two hours later, I felt more at piece. I had a long talk with my partner and admitted how I had been struggling with my anxiety and depression. Just admitting it to him helped me. I am still struggling, and perhaps always will. Now I know though that it is okay to reach out to ask for help. It is not selfish for me to need time away from my children in order to recharge. In fact it is better for my children that I take time for me, instead of ignoring my depression. My own mother suffered greatly with depression but did not seek out help. She ended up taking her anxiety and depression out on me. It is part of my issues with my own depression, and it caused a great rift between us. I do not wish for my depression to affect my children.