Mommy Hell

   I have been in mommy hell lately. I love my kids, I truly do. But the past few weeks have really pushed my limits.  The Princess is in school now which means she is bringing home every germ she comes into contact with. At first, I only got a slight cold. Nothing too hard to combat with honey and herbal teas. Then Milk Monster began to get cranky. Now I do not mean his normal grumpy crankiness that comes with being a toddler. No, I mean he truly showed his fiery spirit that lays dormant under all of that red hair of his. He threw tantrums, clung to me like a second skin, and refused to sleep unless mommy held him. Of course this also meant he was permanently attached to my breasts sucking the life force out of me. Luckily this probably helped him get over his cold much more quickly. Unfortunately for him....he was also cutting two teeth. So he made sure we all knew he was in pain. Then his sister got sick. My vibrant, hyper active little girl became a sloth. She did not want to do ANYTHING except lay down in bed all day. It was a battle every morning, dragging her out of bed for school. Now when she had a fever she was allowed to stay home and be the sloth she wanted to be. With medicine and mommy's milk, the kids began to feel much better.
   Then irony slammed me in the face HARD. While my kids were feeling better, enough to run around getting into everything in sight, I began to feel like all of my energy was drained out of me. I was constantly coughing, ached all over, and just wanted to sleep. Of course I couldn't sleep because I had to work and take care of my kids. At first I tried to treat it with honey and herbal teas. I took some ibuprofen for the fever and the aches. Then my asthma decided it would rear it's ugly head with a vengeance. You see, I haven't taken my asthma medications diligently since I was in middle school. I've done my best to not rely on them. But with this nasty cold, my asthma began to attack. I was waking up every night at 3 am hacking. I couldn't breathe even with my nebulizer. I gave in and bought some cold medicine. I thought perhaps it would do the job along with my asthma medication. Then, one day at work I found myself unable to breathe. I had to give in and go to the doctor. I was given antibiotics and prednisone to open my lungs while fighting the infection. Finally I began to feel better. Now I am left to face the aftermath of two sick kids, my own illness, and two now well kids destroying my house. Literally I am in mommy hell. But you know what?  I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

NIP and twisted nipples

  Recently we've been trying to do fun stuff with the kids. It's summer and The Princess starts kindegarten in a few weeks. Before it got too warm, we took a trip to the zoo. My kids love seeing the different animals, and honestly Daddy acts like a big kid when we're there.
    As we walked, through the water exhibit, The Princess would ask if certain animals nursed their babies. She got upset because. Only the seals and polar bears make milk for their babies. It made me giggle that's for sure, especially because everytime she said milk, her brother would smack my chest. The zoo was a fun learning experience. We walked by the lemurs and The Princess got excited. I thought it was because of her favorite movie, but I was wrong. She exclaimed 'Look, mommy! That one is nursing her baby!' Sure enough a lemur was nursing her baby as it was clinging to her. I thought this would be.the nursing highpoint of the trip. I was wrong. Milk Monster doesn't nurse well with large crowds. He gets too distracted very quickly. I kept trying to find a spot without a lot of people around. We walked over to the bird sanctuary and I spotted something that made me feel like a kid on Christmas. They had a building for nursing moms! Milk Monster and I went in. It was beautiful! There were three private nursing rooms with curtains for privacy. I sat down in a nice, comfy chair while Milk Monster nursed. He nursed for a full session and I could tell he had been wanting to nurse for a while. It was such a relief to be able to nurse him without him being distracted. I was so proud of our local zoo for building that for us moms. I hope to continue seeing more nursing friendly enviroments around my home state.
   As the tempratures continue to rise we've been craving the swimming pools. We went to a pool a little north of our home. It was a fun, kid friendly pool. Milk Monster was tired that day and clinged to me. He began to fuss and pull at my swimsuit. I sat in a lounge chair and laid him on my tummy. I covered him with a towel to keep the sun off of him. I lowered my top slightly for him to latch on and was able to keep most of myself covered. The woman next to me for upset. She kept making disgusted noises at me. I ignored and kept nursing. Her friend came over to sit with her. The upset woman began to loudly complain to her friend. I was dreading having to respond to her negativity. Luckily her friend did that for me. She pointed out that she was exposing more skin with her bikini than I was by nursing. I did my best not to laugh but it was hilarious.
   When my daughter was a baby I gave up quickly on nursing. I never experienced moments like this. I also never experienced what my son did just the other night. He was cuddling with me and it was such a sweet moment. Suddenly he reached into my shirt and twisted my nipple. It hurt like hell and he laughes. He laughed! He is definitely going to be an interesting child.

Dreams Change

    When I was a senior in high school, my anatomy teacher asked us to write about where we saw ourselves in ten years. At first, I wrote about my dream career as an actress. Then I wrote about another aspect of my future. I described how I would be married with three children. When my teacher returned our papers, he commented that my, answer surprised him. I was the only student to mention having a family. He said that he believed I would be a wonderful mother and make any man lucky to have me as a wife. A year later I was married and a mother at age 19. While my marriage did not last long, I began my journey into motherhood with my daughter. Over the course of five years, I have watched my daughter learn and grow. I also have grown over the years.I am not the same person that I was when I envisioned what my life would be like. Many have said that I gave up my dreams, that I failed to live up to my potential.
       Honestly, I believe that anyone who thinks I have failed is wrong. I did not give up on my dreams, but instead I found new dreams. Instead of going off to Hollywood to follow a dream of being a star, I found a dream worth living for. My dream is filled with games, love, hardships, and milestones. I get to watch two people begin their lives. I get to watch as they discover the little things in life that we miss because we are too busy. I get to see as their personalities develop and change as they grow. I get to be the person who guides them as they grow. I get to instill their morals, their ambitions, and their self value in them. That's a huge responsibility to take on, one that not everyone is cut out for. It's a hard journey, but in the end it is the most rewarding. I am a mother, and will be for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Second opinion

I recently came a news story about  parents having their infant removed from their home. Normally you begin to wonder what horrible things the infant had been subjected to in the care of his parents. You would be thanking the authorities for saving him from something probably much worse. Yet in this case it seems the system may be corrupt. Shocking, a government system being corrupt.
  I know you're wondering why the baby was removed from his parents' care. Well he had been ill, so like any parent would they rushed him to a hospital. While there, a nurse administered antibiotics. Yet when they asked why she said she didn't know why. Later they were told by a doctor that he should not have been given the antibiotics. Then the doctors informed him he needed surgery. The parents were cautious at this point due to the lack of communication between the staff regarding their son. So against the doctors advice, they took their child to another hospital for a second opinion. They were reassured that surgery wasn't needed and a different course of treatment was decided. Shortly after, the police and cps showed up at their home to remove the child. Now they are fighting the system to have their child returned to them.
  Why am I writing about this? It terrifies me! When The Princess was about 8 months old, she had extreme diarreah. She had 8 bowel movements in a 2 hour period. I was a new mom and scared so we rushed her to the hospital. What did they tell me to do? They thought it was a bad reaction to the dairy in her formula. So they told me to give her nothing but pedialyte for a WEEK. Literally they wanted me to starve my child. I was horrified and in my gut I knew this was wrong. I informed them I disagreed and wanted a second opinion. They advised me to not seek a second opinion until after trying their suggestion. I refused. Instead I drive 45 minutes to the next hospital.
  The staff there was in shock by what the first hospital had suggested. The doctor asked a wound of questions, including if she had been on antibiotics recently. The other hospital had also asked this, but did not comment further. Turns out the antibiotics had wiped out the good bacteria in her digestive tract. Their suggested treatment? Ready to laugh? More dairy. That's right, the complete opposite of the other hospital. So she got to enjoy yogurt for the first time and her body returned to normal.
  So had I not gone for a second opinion, my child would have been starving. I would have been endangering my child and going against my instincts. Why should these parents, or any parents be punished for doing what is best for their child? The thought of this happening to someone else terrifies me that next time, it could happen to me. As parents we should not have to worry about this. As someone who was truly abused and endangered, I am angry that innocent parents are being scrutinized. My parents and many others who should be looked into by the authorities are flying under the radar. We need to wake up and change things before it gets worse.

Child abuse prevention month

I find it slightly ironic that both of my children were born in April. Why is that? April is child abuse prevention month, and I was abused as a child. I see my daughter turning five this month and it's stirring up a vast mix of emotions.
  I see her innocence and wonder how someone could ever consider destroying something so incredible. How can someone knowingly and intentionally hurt a child? I also feel robbed as well. I feel robbed of so much and I wonder if I could have been a completely different person if someone had just seen the warnings.
  Watching my children grow, innocent and  unharmed, I also feel my healing beginning. April is the bringer of spring. Spring is the rebirth after a harsh winter. Spring brings hope. Both of my beautiful blessings were born in spring, bringing me hope.

Depression Beckons

  I realize it has been over a month since I last posted. I wish I could say that it is due to being busy doing fascinating things, but sadly it was not a happy absence. Since I was a teenager, I have battled depression. There are long stretches of time where I do not feel any symptoms of it. Then out of nowhere it sneaks up on me and attacks fiercely. It seems that after Milk Monster was born, it began to slowly creep up on me again. This last month it broke free and began to drown my mind in it.
   I found myself snapping at The Princess even when she was not doing anything to cause even a slight annoyance. I would cry for no reason other than perhaps my mind turning on itself. I began to think perhaps my children would be better off without me. I focused on every little thing I did wrong rather than everything I did right for them. One day it got so bad that  I imagined running away from here and never turning back. Of course this would mean leaving my children, which I would never really do. So I called their dad to come watch them for a couple hours so that I could get away.
   When he arrived, I had no idea where to go to be alone. I simply knew that I needed to be alone. It was slightly warmer than it had been recently, so I pulled over to a park. I took a long stroll on the walk path and simply listened to everything around me. I listened to the birds above me, and the water in the creek next to me. I slowed my breathing and released all of my stress as I listened to nature. By the time I made it home two hours later, I felt more at piece. I had a long talk with my partner and admitted how I had been struggling with my anxiety and depression. Just admitting it to him helped me. I am still struggling, and perhaps always will. Now I know though that it is okay to reach out to ask for help. It is not selfish for me to need time away from my children in order to recharge. In fact it is better for my children that I take time for me, instead of ignoring my depression. My own mother suffered greatly with depression but did not seek out help. She ended up taking her anxiety and depression out on me. It is part of my issues with my own depression, and it caused a great rift between us. I do not wish for my depression to affect my children.

Chapped nipples & prudish doctors

 Funny title tonight, bet you're wondering where I have been this past month. I have been struggling to balance children, housework, and my wonderful job as a waitress. On top of my usual chaos, illnesses galore  have been running rampant through my home. The Princess has had a sinus infection, a cold, strep throat, and the stomach bug. Milk Monster had RSV plus a double ear infection, and today was diagnosed with thrush. Not too shabby compare to how it has been for other families I know, but still it wears you out. I myself have had the colds and stomach bugs along with them, so I know why they are so clingy to mommy. With my son having thrush, I have the joy of cracked nipples. Thrush has attacked them and man do they hurt! I mean, my nipples have not been this sore since Milk Monster was born and we were learning how to get the hang of breastfeeding. I wish I could say my partner had been spared the illnesses we have had lately, but sadly he has had worse than any of us.
  Which brings me to the second part of the title of tonight's blog. The other night we attempted a date night, only to have it end in disaster. The stomach attacked him with such fierceness, he ended up ripping a membrane in his esophagus. Milk Monster and I took him to the hospital nearby to make sure that was what had happened instead of something worse. So, Milk Monster was rolling through the emergency room in style in his comfy stroller complete with a stash of toys to entertain him. We followed nurses back to a room where my partner got to lay down on one of those comfy beds hospitals are just so famous for. After a short waiting period (I am being serious it wasn't very long which is surprising), the doctor, a female nurse who was about my age, and an older male nurse came into the room. At this point I was nursing Milk Monster who had become rather impatient. Upon seeing me nursing, uncovered, the female nurse rolled her eyes and scoffed at me. I ignored this and focused on what mattered, my partner. Then the doctor opened a cabinet door and tossed a towel at me and told me to use it to cover up. I cocked a smile and obliged, knowing exactly what would happen. Milk Monster grabbed the towel and flung it off of me without even breaking from the nipple for a moment. The female nurse looked over at me, and at the towel as if she were waiting for me to cover up. I ignored the towel and asked the doctor about my partner's symptoms in order to focus her attention on him. After a short conversation with the doctor, and a prescription later, the female nurse left with the doctor. The male nurse was sitting with the mobile computer wrapping things up, when he started to laugh. He started telling me how his wife breastfed their kids and that he couldn't understand why people were so against doing it in public. He told us how his son is over six feet tall and healthy as an ox, all of which he believes is due to his wife breastfeeding him for two years. He then told us how she is an activist for breastfeeding rights. My partner laughed, then pointed at me saying that I was too. Before he left the room, the male nurse picked up the towel and put it in the dirty linens bag. He laughed as he did so. I find it hysterical that in a hospital, nurses and doctors try to make a woman cover up something that honestly is the best medicine in the world. Best part? As I write this the Luvs commercial that shows a mom nursing in a restaraunt uncovered is playing.